As you grow in to a teenager you are face with leaving your younger self and stepping into a self of your own to become an adult in your life.
This is a scary feeling at times you want to play with toys with the little kids but then you feel like I shouldn’t I don’t want my older friends to think I am not growing up. Sometimes your family will say to you, “Why are you playing those kinds of games shouldn’t you look into what you want to do in life?” You start feeling more how serious your life needs to become but you still feel like you want to enjoy your life.
Why is it so hard to make your own decisions and when you do you are told otherwise. The decision you make is too immature, then you start second guessing yourself. I am so confused when I was becoming a teenager. I felt that I needed to be grown to help solve my parents problems because they had financial struggles. Then when I want to play in the playground or play the younger type games I am told I shouldn’t.
How can I enjoy my life? The decisions I make how do I make wise decisions?
These were the type of questions I would ask myself. I kept feeling that I am growing into a young lady but on the other hand I still felt young as a child. Then the day came I finally made a decision to truly be myself. Not care what my friends thought or my narcissistic mother. I finally got the haircut I want, bought the clothes I would love to wear, and finally put on makeup like I always wanted to. I felt so accomplishment of a decision that I was investing into myself on becoming myself.
What change why did I go back into feeling confused again?
It was the stress of life & my mother’s influence that confused me. Her lies that she spoke didn’t match the picture of what was going on. I learned that my parents was losing everything & they had to make a big decision to leave a life they always knew to a new environment. Then when it was time to leave I didn’t want to but they knew I was underage to be left behind and I knew that, too.
As we went to our new environment I still felt good about becoming the young lady I am becoming but being nervous in a place I didn’t know and also a new school I was going into. I wasn’t sure if they would like me and being naive I asked my mother for advice. Her advice sounded good but I wouldn’t know her intentions till after my decision. Her advice was that, “If I want to change something about myself to do it.” Plus, she noted that the summer there is very hot so why not change my hairstyle. Sure that sounded good but what I didn’t know was that I would give into a decision that she wanted me to make. I didn’t take the time out to question if I am comfortable or really, like really want to make those changes.
I just felt that I can adapt. That I don’t need to make such a drastic decision to cut my hair but maybe buy some new clothes.
But guess what?
Yes, you guess it right if you are thinking I did what she said. I gave into her manipulation of changing myself to her acceptance. I realize this once my haircut was over. That I was making a huge mistake.
What kind of mistake?
The mistake of not owning who I am. Giving into being accepted my someone that I really thought would be a mother but I realized she is afraid of me becoming an adult. She is so scared that she is trying to keep her little girl little.
This taught me on understanding what it really means to grow in life. How to let yourself mature in its natural state and not give into the influence of others because you are afraid, too.
I realized that I will not give up on learning & growing.